Confession: I’m compelled to lead. I’m driven to share what I’m learning, what I know. What I find. I’m driven by a deep call toward healing.
In a recent mini-astro reading, the shiny Jenn Racioppi said that “you can’t lead people where you’ve never been yourself” and I realized that’s a big factor in what I choose to do; where I choose to do it and with whom. I can’t lead people where I’ve never been myself, which is why I’ve got to go places that make me uncomfortable.
Because I care a lot about leading other artists, other black women, other black women artists, and my Future Line to places we deserve by virtue of our birth. By virtue of our breath. I am determined to be on the lip of new paradigms that serve us better. That serve us all better.
Confession: I increasingly live my life on the edge of discomfort. In grad school, I developed the belief in the value of discomfort as an aesthetic in art. I wrote over and over again about an aesthetic of discomfort as a way to encourage people to actively engage—to recognize their agency and ability to be changed by the work they witness.
I understand now how much I was also writing about myself—not just theater audiences. I was also writing about believing in discomfort as the edge where healing is synonymous with growth; and growth doesn’t just mean expansion, but rooting and deepening and moving in ways one does not expect.
Confession: a lot of shame has been coming up for me recently. Old shame. I’ve been able to sit with it and observe it. I’ve been able to move much of it. I’ve been staring my desire for perfection and for “getting it right” in the mirror. A lot of grief has been released. I’ve been hearing more and more that no matter what I choose next, I cannot make a mistake.
I’m learning that yes, the plays I write are constantly pushing the edges of forms we recognize as a way to awaken other artists and audiences alike. But my life is also constantly pushing the edges of form. My LIFE is demanding that I increase my capacity for courage so that I can, hopefully, inspire other artists to do the same.
I’m moving in less than a month and have no idea yet where I’m going. There are some big and scary possibilities coming for my work this summer. I am about to jump, heartfirst, into full discomfort and truly embrace where my life is taking me. The voices of shame and fear of getting it wrong are more quiet and much louder is the call to lead. Thank you for being with me on this journey. More soon.
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