ART // LIFE
My last post was at the end of February. That is a long time in body-years considering that our bodies completely renew every cell every seven. It is no surprise then, that my body has taken me through a major transformation since the dead of winter. I’ve had a number of remarkable changes happen—most without my ego’s consent—that have forced me UP–to up-level and make better choices about what cycles through me: Everything from food to thoughts.
What cycles through me?
Since finishing my thesis this week and awaiting final confirmation of my graduation in a couple of weeks, I’ve noticed other people around me—other grad students struggling with their own transformations.
The other day I talked to a fellow grad on campus. On the steps we sat and envisioned our futures together. I asked one of my favorite questions: what is the ideal thing you want to do?
“Well, I’d love to publish and book and make a lot of money so that I could write another one. I’d like to not have to get a horrible job,” she said. As she spoke, I watched her chest open.
She quickly followed with, “But, that can’t happen. Nobody publishes a book right out of school, so I’m looking for shitty jobs now.”
The words were so strong, they cut even me. In my head, I quickly washed out her words. I wiped my whole body clean from her thinking. I don’t believe that, I said to myself.
I didn’t say it to her. I didn’t tell her how limited I believe her thinking was. I didn’t remind her of all of the examples we hear about all the time on campus: Columbia students getting big book deals before they even leave campus who I guess, were “nobodies” once, if that’s what you’re into. I thought about how Karen Russell must be nobody. I thought about how the girl whose book was just bought by Hollywood must also be nobody. And all the other nobody Columbia graduates: Barack Obama, Rachel Chavkin, and Claudia Rankine to name just a few.
But she wasn’t asking for coaching. And I remembered when I used to think like that. There wouldn’t have been anything anyone could’ve said that would’ve convinced me of a different reality.
So, instead, I talked to her about my vision. I told her that I want to make my creative projects happen in the world. I want to make money from my own work. A lot of money. I only want to work on projects and ideas that turn me on and get me hype and fill me up.
“Those people, that win all of the awards?” I said. “I’m going to be one of those people.”
“Yeah, but what are you actually going to do,” she asked me.
“That is what I’m going to do,” I said.
“Yeah, but what are you going to do right after?,” was her next question.
(I felt into my body and I was not annoyed. This was a new sign of growth for me!)
“Well, I already have two projects I’m launching into right after we graduate,” I said. “And then we’ll see! But that’s what I’m going to do. That’s my vision.”
I could’ve gone into more detail about what I plan to win, when I plan to win it and how, but I wasn’t with someone who I felt would appreciate it. I’ve learned not to share my words with everyone. I’ve learned not every encounter is equally weighted.
After so much inner work, after so much transformation that only happens after really digging in to old beliefs and patterns and scary places nobody likes to visit, I feel in my body, the difference between positive thinking and belief.
Positive thinking is great, but it only works when it can cycle in, through and out of your entire body, which, unless you are Eckhart Tolle, means you have a lot of body-work to do.
It means a lot of cleaning house.
Grad school has been an incredible container for me to clean house in and now, as I prepare to leave, and I’m nibbling fruit and sipping distilled water, I can say with utter confidence that I know what cycles through me—
and I own all of it.