LIFE
As I walk across Columbia’s campus—hungry—hanging up a phone call with an actor, contemplating the offer of yet another part-time job awaiting reply in my inbox, carrying a peppermint tea that went cold after I put it down to “do a little bit of work” three hours ago, it hits me:
I Can refuse to be a patriarch or I can kill myself.
I have already learned several times over the importance of self-care, of doing less and living more, of the connection between the body’s intricate systems and the crashes I’ve experienced since I was 16 years old. Hospitalized several times sometimes refusing to slow down from my hospital bed.
The thing is, even with all of this it’s still hard for me to tell when I’m pushing too hard. It has gotten easier, but I still encounter frequent moments of feeling useless, like I have done nothing of value in months even though when I slowed down in meditation this morning, I deliberately counted 12 things I did that I consider “accomplishments” in this week alone.
I blame patriarchy for this. I look deep inside of the inside of the seed of patriarchy in me that says “you are already less than nothing by virtue of being born a girl, by virtue of being born (even worse) a black. girl. You must do everything you can to live on top of this worthlessness for the rest of your life.”
I have done much to vanquish this seed—MUCH—but judging by the day I’ve had so far and, frankly, the last few days of struggling with this old demon—and also wanting to “do something” to counter the looming negligence and potential violent actions of the incoming US administration, I find myself in patriarchy’s ever-changing grip.
++++++++
Do I want to have my first real meal at 4pm? Do I want to continue sending the message to others, to myself that to be successful means to be self-sacrificial? Do I want to subscribe to this way of life that pervades the culture, kills dreams, souls, and living breathing beautiful people who run on coffee, coke, and consumerism until they shut down?
NO.
No, of course not. But I must also admit on this page right now, how hard it is to undo these patriarchal values that require both men and women to give everything of themselves in order to be worthy of rest/fulfillment/attention.
LOVE.
This morning, as my man made some joke about how I never seem to be “at work” anymore, (the same man who is the Chess prodigy, award-winning composer, three x master’s degree granted Ph.D. Candidate), I am realizing I cannot listen to him on this issue. He is no example to follow on this point. I am leading the charge for both of us.
Women, rise up and rest.