How to Reroute Jealousy

I can speak quite freely on this topic because I have a lot of personal experience with this on both sides. I’ve been the jealous one (many, many, times) and I’ve been the one others have been jealous of (how many times, who knows?!). Neither one feels very good, but let’s focus on the side we can actually do something about and that is when we experience feelings of jealousy towards someone else.

I’ll give you a personal example: I’ve spent many a day and night directing jealousy beams toward my colleague, actress Condola Rashad.

(Here, I just want to note that her mother is indeed actress/director Phylicia Rashad, so my jealousy meter already started pretty high).

My dangerous comparison game (in which Condola had no idea she was participating), began a few years ago when I discovered she was represented by the agency I wanted to represent me. Shortly after, she was cast in her first Broadway role. And then another. And another.

We are about the same age and in casting lingo we are the same “type.” I imagined she was always a step ahead of me. She was a part of the secret club–meeting all the “right people” and I imagined it was easier for her because of who her mother is. I imagined her laughing with Denzel Washington over coffee and auditioning for big movie roles while I sat in acting class learning lines for a scene I would be brilliant in that no one but my classmates would ever see.

When I finished acting school, I already had my sights set on a career like Condola’s. Soon, I was auditioning all the time for whatever I could with the idea in mind that I would catch her. One day an audition came my way that I knew I was right for.

It was a new play. It was a comedy. I loved the character.

I went into that audition and I killed it. Slayed it.

Feeling really great about my work, I then received an email from the director the next day:

Well, guys, guess who the “someone else” was?

Condola. Of course!

This only fueled the narrative I had invented that I was competing with her. She had now directly stolen something I thought was rightfully mine. That experience only made my jealousy worse.

I went on to do regional theater and to get cast in other projects I enjoyed. While I was doing a show down south, I heard that there was a Romeo and Juliet coming to Broadway.

They were looking for an African-American Juliet. They picked Condola.

“Oh well”, I thought. “I’m working. I’m in Alabama.”

While I was very busy working on plays and readings and workshops down south, I realized that what other people were doing mattered very little to me. I realized that I didn’t want the work that other people had, I just wanted work of my own.

Since then, I have taught myself how to direct most feelings of jealousy that come up. Jealousy is a super-useful emotion! You can learn so much from it. Here’s how I now handle my feelings of jealousy toward someone else:

Step 1 I acknowledge how I feel. I don’t pretend I’m not feeling jealous when I scroll through my newsfeed and see that so-and-so moved to Fiji. I breathe. I say to myself “oh, this is what jealousy feels like” or “oh I’m feeling jealousy.” I Acknowledge it. What you resist persists.

Step 2 I get clear about what exactly I am jealous of. Is it that this person moved to Fiji? Well, no I don’t personally want to live in Fiji. Maybe a visit, but I don’t want to live there. Is it that this person now lives near beautiful water? Hmmm. Closer. I do love water and I love being near water. I just learned that I should make an effort to be near water more often! But I think there’s more…am I jealous that this person has given themselves the freedom to go after a dream that most people consider improbable and they’ve actually achieved it?

Bingo.

That’s it.

So now because I actually sat with my jealousy and deconstructed it, I’ve learned what I need to do next.

Step 3 I pick one action I can take from what I learned in step 2. Let’s say in this case I open a separate savings account for a trip to the beach. I put $100 towards the trip I am now planning. The next thing to do is get more specific about where I want to go. Which water makes me happiest? Is it Fiji or could it be somewhere else?

Step 3 1/2 Since I know now that living in Fiji is not my improbable dream, I can begin to think about what is my improbable dream. What is my version of moving to Fiji and what steps can I take to make that real? (I would probably do this through journaling.)

BOOM. I’ve turned my jealousy in productivity. And I’m headed to the beach! Way more fun than being stuck thinking that I was at war with that person. How I was feeling ain’t have nuthin to do with them.

In fact, I’ve transformed some jealous feelings into recording new music to release to the world, I’ve started a life coaching business for artists, and I have several other projects in my pipeline.

I have to say that now I don’t really experience jealousy very often. I’m too busy making things happen. I’m happy for other people who are achieving their life goals because I’m committed to doing that for myself.

Quick recap: Jealousy won’t do anything constructive unless you reroute it, and it is completely in your power to do so. There are no limits to what may come of your decision!

So I’d love to know how you plan to use your jealousy to fuel you toward your ideal life. That’s what it’s there for, after all.

Connect with me on facebook, twitter and through email!

I can’t wait to see you shine. Everybody can live their ideal life and jealousy can be part of the road-map that helps you get there.

Here’s to the Complexity of Human Emotion,
Jillian :0)